Mirroring Abuse – Surviving Abusive Relationships

 

Life. It’s all about perception and attitude.  My attitude about a lot of things differs from others in that if something comes at you, deal with it and move on.  Much of it is karma so you’re best off if you become a “karma chameleon” and change with the colors that you’re confronted with.

I’ve been married twice.  When people ask why, instead of going into all the excuses of misery shared, I just tell them I like to change men once every 20 years or so to keep things interesting.

Wisdom comes with age and as you age you begin to realize many things about people and perceptions. I realized that I wasn’t the person that I was perceived to be. The perceptions about me didn’t match who I was so I didn’t feel I had to be directly responsible for giving in to what was expected of me by those doing the perceiving. I’m talking about living in abuse. A person’s distortions of perception manifest oftentimes as abuse. In making that break, I became the person I truly am and those people are no longer in my life. I lived for 20 years in abuse. I guess I’m an expert on it. I’d like to share just a little about how I handled it.

Throughout my fair existence on this beloved Earth I have learned how to manifest my desires and be at peace within myself. In my relationships, my marriages of which there were two, there were times when I faced violence by becoming the mirror and reflecting back what was directed toward me, successfully and peacefully. I mirrored back the pain and anger and turned it around each time. I didn’t re-Act to the person. Arguments, for me, are a waste of energy so I don’t participate. Instead I responded in a responsible way and was never harmed.

I’ll explain. My first marriage was turbulent to say the least. It started as a war zone – one trying to establish dominance when that person had no idea who he was – or that he was married to a free spirit. You can’t cage a free spirit in any way. He tried and failed miserably. I never saw that side of him til after the wedding vows. When I asked about the abrupt turn-about he said, “it’s because I’ve got you now.” Number one mistake was that he thought I would never file for divorce.  For me, courage comes from a deep resolve to not live a life you don’t choose. If a life you’re living is not one you choose to live, then change it. My idea of home was always happy and full of fun. To have it full of violence and arguments was not of my choosing. A home should be a sacred place where you feel safe and where you can retreat from what is happening on the outside.  Someone once said that courage is just the other side of fear. My fear of living in a violent home was stronger than my fear of dying. I’d rather die than live a life of fear.

I stood my ground when he threatened to hit me. He was much bigger than I was and I knew I’d never be able to beat him physically. All I had were words. So I told him if he were going to hit me that he’d better kill me, because if he didn’t I’d make him wish he had. That made him stop and think. When he stopped I used more words. I told him he liked to sleep too much and I was really good with a baseball bat. That made him think some more. Then I threatened his “stuff” like his motorcycle. I told him he wouldn’t recognize it if he let me get up after he hit me so he may as well kill me right now, this fucking minute.

I mirrored his violence back at him and he didn’t like it at all. He never did hit me. Not ever in the 20 years we were together. He used other means to try to tear me down – emotionally. It worked for awhile. He had me wondering in the beginning if it was me that was nuts. But somewhere into the early years I figured out that it wasn’t me at all. He would call me names and I even mirrored that back when I said to him, “well, if I’m all those things it sure doesn’t say much for your taste in women.” He stopped calling me names after that. Another time, after I was sick of listening to his foul language, I began talking like he talked. One day he looked at me and said, “That language sounds terrible coming from you!” I simply said, “If I have to listen to it motherfucker so do you!” After that he stopped swearing so much. I was getting pretty good at this mirroring thing. I responded without judgement toward him and I didn’t judge myself. It occurred to me that judgment is a waste of time and only weakens the spirit so why do it? Since I gave up judging myself and others life has been so much freer and better.

He walked a fine line between sanity and insanity and it wasn’t my cross to bear. I let him go early on but stayed because I never had the desire to start again. Until someone came along after awhile and showed me how good life could be.

I knew I’d never sacrifice my life or sanity to another man again. That was the gift given to me by my first marriage and I took that away with me and lived happily for awhile until my second husband did an about face when he stopped drinking. Alcohol was his curse. Or was it a lack of alcohol? I get confused. But that’s another story.

 

 

 

 

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