Mirroring Abuse

I was a very awkward and shy child. I felt everything in the room and being an empathic child, I felt every raised eyebrow, every hunched shoulder, every time someone gave someone else a look that said, “she’s awkward and weird” and every back ever turned toward me as my fault. And I would take it all personally. It only ever served to eat away my self-confidence, making me even more awkward.

As I got older I realized many things about people and perceptions. I realized that I wasn’t the person those people perceived me to be. Their perceptions about me didn’t match who I was so I didn’t have to be directly responsible for giving them what they expected. In making that break, I became the person I truly am and those people are no longer in my life.  I lived for 20 years in abuse. I guess I’m an expert.

Throughout my fair existence on this beloved Earth I have learned how to manifest my desires and be at peace within myself. I have faced violence by being the mirror and reflecting back what was directed toward me, successfully and peacefully. I mirrored back the pain and anger and turned it around each time. I didn’t re-Act to the person. Instead I responded in a responsible way and was never harmed.

I’ll explain. My first marriage was turbulent to say the least. It started as a war zone – one trying to establish dominance when that person had no idea who he was – or that he was married to a free spirit. You can’t cage a free spirit in any way. He tried and failed miserably. I never saw that side of him til after the wedding vows. I stood my ground when he threatened to hit me. He was much bigger than I was and I knew I’d never be able to beat him physically. All I had were words. So I told him if he were going to hit me that he’d better kill me, because if he didn’t I’d make him wish he had. That made him stop and think. When he stopped I used more words. I told him he liked to sleep too much and I was really good with a baseball bat. That made him think some more. Then I threatened his “stuff” like his motorcycle. I told him he wouldn’t recognize it if he let me get up after he hit me so he may as well kill me right now this f’ing minute.

I mirrored his violence back at him and he didn’t like it at all. He never did hit me. Not ever in the 20 years we were together. He used other means to try to tear me down – emotionally. It worked for awhile. He had me wondering if it was me that was nuts. But somewhere into the early years I figured out that it wasn’t me at all. He would call me names and I even mirrored that back when I said to him, “well, if I’m all those things it sure doesn’t say much for your taste in women.” He stopped calling me names after that. Another time, after I was sick of his foul language, I began talking like he talked. One day he looked at me and said, “That language sounds terrible coming from you!” I simply said, “If I have to listen to it motherfucker so do you!” After that he stopped swearing so much. Becoming the mirror was working!

He walked a fine line between sanity and insanity and it wasn’t my cross to bear. I let him go early on but stayed because I never had the desire to start again. Until someone came along after awhile and showed me how good life could be.

I knew I’d never sacrifice my life or sanity to another man again. That was the gift given to me by my first marriage and I took that away with me and lived happily for awhile until my second husband did an about face when he stopped drinking. Alcohol was his curse. Or was it a lack of alcohol?  I get confused.  But that’s another story.

 

Kids

My 8 year old grandson lives with me and has since he was 2 years old which was when his daddy died. Tramadol. I hear it takes the lives of people often so be wary of it. My daughter did a sort of shut down when he died and I was going through a raging divorce that never seemed to want to end. It’s what happens when one person doesn’t respond to or hear the other person. When violence was threatened for no apparent reason after the dog chased a skunk and I closed the patio door so as not to smell the little critter he decided it was time to threaten violence if I closed the door. I knew it was time to leave.

So one month later I moved into a home where the three of us could live. I was 61 at the time and didn’t know if I could handle my 34 year old daughter from my first marriage let alone a 2 year old. It was hard. The little guy had way too much energy and he screamed when he cried. But eventually we settled in and I learned how to talk to him to settle him down. Now we have a pretty good relationship as I’m the buffer between his mother and him. On their last trip they were gone for about seven days and he was anxious to get home. His grandfather asked him why he had to get home so fast and he answered.,”I miss my grandma.”

Over the years this little guy has sometimes made me scream and more often he has made me crazy with his constant chatter. He’s generally a happy little guy and plays well by himself. I wish his mom would find someone but she’s still not ready even though it’s been seven years since her love died. I often feel like advertising for a husband for her because I see how her son needs a dad. But such things take time I guess. Still, he’s growing so fast and is definitely at the age where he needs a dad, badly.

Anyway, more often then not, he says things, like all kids do, that makes me laugh like the time he asked me if I knew when a church was a real church. I said I didn’t know what made a real church and he said, “They’re the ones with the T on top!” And the other day I told him if he was good in school that day that I would have a surprise when he came home. He said after thinking on that comment, “well, it’s pretty hard to be good in school, so how about I be good tomorrow. Can I have a surprise tomorrow?”

He went through a particularly hard time in Catholic school. The teachers had no idea what to do with him. He wasn’t bad, he was just himself. He doesn’t know how to be any other way. But that presents a challenge to people who have 40 other kids in the classroom to deal with. I totally get it. But every day one of the staff would call my daughter to let her know what he did that day to upset the cart and tensions were growing out of proportion. I mean, the kid was six years old! I’m sure the last straw was when he pulled apart a church pew. He just began kicking it and pulling at it until it was broken. After I picked him up I asked him about it. He said, “How’d you know about that?” And I said, “Word gets around.” He said he didn’t know why he did it so I asked him:
“Were you angry?”
“Nope”
“Were you upset about something?”
“Nope.”
“Were you bored?”
“Nope.”
“Were you playing around?”
“Nope.”
Finally I said, “well, you want to tell me what the thought process was when you decided to pull apart a church pew?”
And he said, “well, it was kind of broken anyway and I just wanted to see how it was put together!”

Anyway, as I’d said before, he’s just being himself and didn’t know the trouble he was causing being his ADHD self. He has all this energy and has never been able to sit still. One story I remember was of an old Indian (Native American) grandfather who would watch his grandson get into all kinds of trouble in school and finally took him aside and told him, “There are pipe makers and there are scouts. You’re a scout!”

One day when this inquisitive boy was kicked out of school for the day because of his behavior, his mother was taking it all rather seriously and was very upset. Not at him, but because she was just at wits end about the whole situation. The constant calls from teachers had finally gotten to her. I kept telling her the boy is just six and she should relax but it was wearing her down.

The little guy was sitting at the kitchen table and I knew he was aware of how much his mom was reacting to the whole situation and he was with me for the whole day. He was very nervous and I knew I had to put things in perspective for him. So I said, “Let’s talk.” He said, “OK.” So I got a piece of paper and I drew a puzzle piece on it and told him he was the puzzle piece. I said that he shouldn’t be upset about all that was going on cuz he was just a kid and it was up to the adults to figure out where he fit in the larger puzzle.

He totally relaxed. I said that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, that he was just being himself and it was ok to be himself. We just had to figure out how to teach him and because the system he was in hadn’t changed in a very long time, it had gotten stuck in only being able to teach kids that fit into that system. He relaxed some more. I said, “Perhaps you’ll be the one to change the system.”

He said, “Can we talk like this more often?”

Kids.

 

Connections, Calendars, Calibrators

Picked up one of those ad papers in an office one day, brought it home to look through and learned about a fair that was presenting at the IX Center in Cleveland. Since I’m interested in the fairs I gave it a look through. Two whole pages of faces stared at me and I went through each to see if I knew anyone since I run in some of the circles around town.

One face literally jumped out at me. He was a teacher of the Mayan Calendar from Hawaii and his name was Chris. When I saw his face, he literally jumped out at me and I mean just that. Although I’d never seen this man before nor even heard his name, I KNEW him and I knew I was supposed to see him.

So the weekend arrived when he would be in town and I went to the IX Center and paid my admission ticket and went to find him. It wasn’t easy, the place was HUGE and filled with thousands. When I found him he was with another person and I waited patiently til they left and then I sat down across from Chris and we began our interaction. I’d studied the Mayan calendar for a brief period and loved it and wanted to see how my reading would differ from the normal reading using say Tarot or other divination.

Chris got some information from me then looked at pages in his book. He stopped and looked again and then said, “You’re SUPPOSED to be here!” I calmly said, “I know.” He looked up as though I hadn’t heard him and said once again, “No. You’re SUPPOSED to be here!”

I stood and leaned over the table and got one inch in front of his face and said, “I KNOW!” Then sat back down.

He looked stunned, sat back in his chair for a minute, then put all the books that were on the table away and reached for bigger books to put in front of him. He was an incredibly talented reader and just knew he needed more information.

He spent an hour with me, which was way more than the time I paid for. In that hour he told me something that stuck with me because it has affected my whole life and I never knew what that was until he told me. He said that I am a human “re-calibrator.” He said I bring about change wherever I go and that I could walk into a room and people would automatically dislike or hate me because people hate change. That’s my life in a nutshell. I never understood people and their reactions to me when they didn’t even know me, yet I would do just that – walk into a room and get the dirtiest looks from people I didn’t even know. I never understood it until Chris told me that people pick up my vibration instantaneously and that when they do, they hate me or have an instant dislike for me. I always looked in the mirror to see if I had a perpetual smart-assed look on my face. I didn’t think I did, so I must have looked perplexed instead.

He told me that I can see where we are and where we need to be and then go about making the change. I guess that’s what a calibrator does. Or is it a re-calibrator, to this day I don’t understand which it is.

Chris gave me a number to reach him since we hit it off really big and then he had a talk to do on the Mayan Calendar and keys which opened up the 4th and 5th dimensions. I attended the talk and loved it. Chris had keys written in a booklet that are timeless and when you meditate on the key for the day it opens up the Mayan calendar which spirals and is dimensional. He gave us one key as an example and I found myself in a portal moving at quantum speed and hung out with the stars for a bit. Whoa! What an experience! So I definitely knew the keys worked and I also knew this guy was brilliant for creating the keys.

A few months went by and I called Chris in Hawaii and we got to talking about the Mayan calendar. I told him I had cards with all the glyphs on it but one was missing and I had to make a copy. He asked which one and I told him and he said, “Isn’t that funny! I have the same set of glyphs and I have an extra of the one you are missing!”

I knew I was supposed to see him! We had a connection through the Mayan Calendar and when he spiraled into Cleveland I spiraled around to see him. Things on Earth spiral. They’re not lineal as is the Gregorian Calendar which relates to hopelessness. The Mayan calendar is in sync with how things move on Earth – in a spiral – relating to hope. If you look at the seeds of a sunflower – they spiral. The nests of birds and bees spiral, the wood of the trees when you cut them down – spiral. Fibonacci understood the spiraling of all things in nature. But that’s another story.

 

 

 

If Your Child Is Weird

I’ve recently watched Ed Sheeran’s biography video. If you haven’t seen it then go to Youtube and watch it. It’s one you don’t want to miss. Anyway, he said he was a weird kid and I understand what he meant because I was also a weird one.

I’ve written a little about my beginnings in my book, Warrior Spirit Path of Medicine (Balboa Press) so I don’t want to duplicate all of that except to say I was passed around a lot when I was a baby because my mother was sick for four years after my birth. I never did have the bonding experience most children have and that led me to be awkward and ok, “weird” was me. I was a loner and took to nature where I didn’t feel so out of place. I was also a very sickly child and because my mother, when she finally did make it home, was so busy with my six siblings, I never wanted to draw her attention away from all she had to do so I tended my own illnesses.

Did I mention I have always been on a path of healing? It began when I was about 8 years old. I used to have anxiety attacks and the way I got out of them was to breathe and take myself into visualizations. Now in my healing work I take people into breathing therapy and visualizations. Go figure.

But Ed Sheeran also speaks about the years he had a stutter and how writing music and singing helped him.

When I was in my teens I also developed a stutter. I couldn’t finish a sentence without feeling exasperation and frustration. I began to fervently pray about it and one night, in my early twenties, I fell asleep and this is what I dreamt: I was climbing up a steep precipice, grabbing at small bushes and trees to help me around all the obstacles. As I climbed, I heard people and began shouting for help. As I got nearer the top a group of people heard me and looked over the edge to see me climbing and helped me up to the top. They were very friendly and kind and told me they wanted me to meet someone. They took me to a tall, thin man with long flowing white hair and beard down to the ground. He was dressed in blue robes. He looked at me and smiled and said they had been waiting for me and I was to stay with them for 6 months and “play ball.” With that the others took me out into a big grassy field and we literally began to play ball!

I kept a record of that dream from the time I dreamt it to the time six months had passed. At the end of 6 months I no longer stuttered. I woke up one morning six months after the playing ball dream and was able to speak without stuttering.

I’ve had prophetic dreams for as far back as I can remember. I would see things happen in dream sometimes years before they would happen in my life. I’ve always had visions and they would always be around 3 a.m. If I lost something I would ask for a dream to show me where it was or when I would get it back. Some things were found but some things were just meant to be lost and never found.

Yes, some children are strange or weird. I was one of them. But my weirdness manifested in ways that led me to the path I was meant to be on. So I guess Ed and I are trying to tell parents with weird children that it’s ok for your child to be weird. They’re meant to do something else in this life or with their lives. Don’t worry too much about them. Kids are resourceful. They’ll find their own way sooner or later. The obstacles they face are there to make life interesting and challenging. Maybe not to you, but to them. Help as much as you are asked to help. Otherwise try not to worry too much.

Pissed

Ok. I’m just a little P.O.’d. I probably shouldn’t say anything at all seeing that there are already 81 doctors dead that were helping people feel better naturally.  Apparently their crime entails endangering the status quo of pharmaceuticals and stocks and making western medicine look bad because their natural ways are healing people of things like cancer and autism and a plethora of diseases that plague society.  Anyway, these 81 doctors died horribly, some along with their families! All in a span of a year and a half! Suicides they say.  I’m appalled that nothing is mentioned on any news station on TV or radio which says a lot about who owns those stations.  We’re in big trouble when no one acknowledges that there is a Gestapo right here in America that blatantly kills people right under our noses and doesn’t care who knows about it.  Where do we go? Why don’t we all speak out and let them know it won’t be tolerated?  Who will stand and fight?  Natural News.com is following the nature of all of these unspeakable crimes. Go there. Read about what’s happening because you won’t hear about it on the news. The article: Dead Doctors, Dead Patients and Corporate Bullying – How the FDA is the New Murder Inc. They say the pen is mightier than the sword.  Let’s flood wordpress with articles about these crimes so everyone knows what’s happening.  We must fight back somehow.  If I die because of all of this it won’t be because of suicide.

I’m Older But Am I Wiser?

Well here I am in the Early Winter of my life and I still do stupid stuff. I don’t think it ever ends.

Like the other day I’m driving and my grandson’s in the car and my daughter gives me the directions to her work and there’s construction everywhere and I end up getting lost.  No big.  I’ve been lost before.

But I’m on this timeline because she’s got to get him out of my car and into hers and the doctors office where she goes has this thing where if you’re 15 minutes late you have to forfeit your appointment.

And she’s still 20 minutes away.  So now it’s a half hour away from her appointment time and I’m on the phone with her and someone else is giving me directions over the phone.  I’m actually going in the right direction but they tell me to turn around and go in the other direction and I do and then they tell me that – no! I have to go back in the other direction and that’s when I say, “I’M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!” Because you see I forgot my little guy is in the back seat.

So before we get to his mother I’m able to calm down and have totally forgotten what I said until this little voice in the back seat says, “Gramma, why did you say you’re going to kill someone?”

Well now how do I explain that one without giving him an excuse to say the same thing when he’s all frustrated?!

I should know better.  I’m gramma!  I’m older and I should be a whole lot wiser.

I Want Out of Your Box

I’ve been in your box and I want out.  You keep me there with your expectations and your perceptions of me.  It’s not fair and I want out.  No matter what you think of me, I am so much more.  You think you know me so well.  You don’t and you never will.  You don’t know my dreams and aspirations.  I don’t tell you everything because you couldn’t handle what’s inside of me.  You wouldn’t be able to perceive a box as big as my dreams and my aspirations.  You would be drawn out of your own box – you know – the one you keep yourself in.  It’s comfortable there and so you stay because it’s uncomfortable to venture outside of that box.  It’s uncomfortable and scary and maybe a little dangerous.  Yet you’re missing out on so much by keeping yourself in your little box.

I know you think I’m safe to be around but you have no idea of the places I’ve ventured and the people I’ve met by venturing outside of your box.  That box you keep me locked in.  I don’t really live there – I just let you think I do.  I like you and don’t want to lose your place in my life and so I let you stay.  Don’t worry. I won’t scare you out of your own box.  I would never want you to stay in a box so I encourage you to be who you want to be and explore all of what life has to offer.

This life is so BIG! It’s so much more than most people can imagine if they would let their imaginations run wild.

I’m older now.  I’ve been in many people’s boxes and had to get out.  I won’t be in anyone’s box ever again.  Let them think as they may.  This is MY life.

I had a dream that a seal grew out of my chest.  It looked like a flower. Something like a flower.  Maybe not quite a flower.  More like a seal of some sort.  It was very real. But what does it mean?

I’m not sure. Do I really care?  Does it make me different in some way? When I’m supposed to have the answer then it will come and I will know what it means.  For now I’m content and don’t really have to know.  That’s the Beauty of Aging. Life doesn’t have to mean anything. That I’m alive means more than having to know why I’m alive.

For now I’m not in anyone’s box – not even in my own.  I have fun with my work and my family.  My life is full of joy and laughter.  Climb out of your box and see what I mean. Find your own joy.